Share and share alike
another Throwback Thursday post
For today’s Throwback Thursday post, I am sharing another piece I wrote about one of the dudes I wrote about in “selfish.”
He was in my life steadily for a few years. Some of it was good. Some of it was bad. Some of it was toxic as fuck.
We both had a lot of learning, growing, and healing we needed to do in order to become whole people.
In the time since these events occurred, I have grown a lot as a person, and I feel so far removed from this situation, yet, it still serves as a reminder to myself that I must always remember my value and take care of me first.
Even in situations where lust is making the decisions for me, I need to remember me first.
This was written in 2004. What a time!
Also, please enjoy the enclosed and totally unrelated throwback pictures in the post.
share and share alike
Can I fuck you and still be your friend?
Is it possible to maintain a good friendship with someone you are fucking?
Is it possible to maintain a good friendship with someone that you used to fuck?
Can I fuck you and pretend it's not really going on and still be your friend? How exactly does that work?
When he told me that he wanted us to “be cool,” he said it meant that we could sleep together and kiss on each other and go to lunch and all those things, but when we are in public and the girl that he is supposed to be “dating” is around, I should “play it cool” and not let on that something is going on.
I’m supposed to keep it cool because “we move in the same circles,” and he doesn’t like “uncomfortable situations,” and I should be understanding of this.
I’m supposed to play it cool because he doesn’t want me mad-dogging the other girl and he doesn’t want her mad-dogging me. We really don’t want anyone to find out about it either. That could cause problems too.
He’s sensitive.
He’s not any more sensitive than I am, I suppose, but he’s sensitive nonetheless, and would be sensitive to me treating him any differently than I have been thus far. This means that I’m not allowed to get an attitude. After all, I was told up front, right?
All of this was said to me after I had repeatedly asked what the status of this other girl was. I was told every time that they were intimate, but there was no commitment, and she understood his situation (as I have been made to understand it), and he was just looking to see where things would go.
He lay on his back on my bed with me straddling him. I leaned forward so that our chests were pressed together. We were in kissing range, so in between questions and answers, we sweetened each other’s lips.
“Are you trying to have your cake and eat it too?” I asked curiously.
“Oh, most definitely. I’m not even going to lie to you about that.”
“Well, I have to give you credit for being honest.”
“Yeah.”
“I want you to know that I respect that. I respect it because you are leaving me room to make a choice. “
“Exactly.”
“Okay.”
I sat there for a few moments without saying anything. My fingers played with his hair and my lips brushed over his repeatedly, but in the back of my mind a neon sign was being turned on that said simply, this is the last time.
I refuse to go down the path of sharing again. Well, when it comes to a man anyway.
other things i’m thinking about
Baby, not they selling Jesus’ family heirlooms to the highest bidder. Colonizers don’t be giving a hot fuck about anyone but themselves. I promise.
Have you quit Twitter yet? If so, where did you land?
I am building such a great community here on Substack, and I love that for me. Special shout out to
for promising to be my writing accountability partner because I need one badly, and I never would have found her if not for Substack.
See y’all tomorrow!
Special shout out to you also, and Thank You!!!