Monique's Mailbag
Because some clapbacks deserve to be loud and public.
I dedicate this to Michael Harriot.
When we were working at our previous employer that I am legally not allowed to call out by name any longer (it’s possible that I actually am now because of the new Labor Board law that ruled NDAs can’t be held over people’s heads anymore, but I’m going to err on the side of caution until I can speak with my Writer’s Guild union representative), my friend, colleague, and contemporary (I love describing him this way) Michael Harriot had a regular weekly feature he would do called “Clapback Mailbag.”
Each week, he would respond to comments, emails, DMs, and tweets he and the rest of us received from people angry at us for having the nerve to write truthfully about things like race, racism, racial justice, and the like.
That feature was a big hit with the readers, and for me, there was something especially satisfying about seeing him dismantle whatever ridiculous arguments angry (white) people would try to make against what we were saying.
Because I still write a lot about race, racism, racial justice, and other social issues, I get a lot of the same kind of mail, and so I’ve decided to do my own version of that feature on a weekly basis.
My reasoning for this is two-fold. For one, I love putting people in their place, especially when they come at me spicy. There’s nothing quite like turning on my “sassy Black woman” and letting a mother fucker have it, you know what I mean?
The other reason is that as much as I want to reply on Twitter and tell these clowns about themselves, the way that shaky platform is going right now, I could easily be banned for “hurting someone’s feelings” even though they came at me wrong first
There is the added benefit of people being able to see what I deal with on a regular basis. As I’ve said before, it’s not easy being a Black woman who covers these topics. The abuse and harassment I have to work through is insane, and when I talk about it, I have had people say things like “it can’t be that bad” or “just ignore it,” and listen. As enlightened and above it all as I would like to be, there is only so much I can take, and you not finna get on Megan Thee Stallion’s internet and say things to me you know you wouldn’t dare say to my face in real life.
So now we are here.
I am going to call it Monique’s Mailbag.
Here we go.
Both “None of your business” and “Equilizer” took issue with me writing about my experience as a Black woman who writes about race. They chose to leave their comments on my personal website on the post that socialized my newsletter article about it.
“None of your business” wrote:
“You are a well paid race hustler.”
Dear None of your business,
Yes, it’s always “race hustling” when Black people speak openly about their experience, but not race hustling when white people are directly benefiting from the subjugation of Black people in this country. You don’t think it’s race hustling when you are benefiting from white privilege on a daily basis. I would bet you never even stop to think about it or consider it.
You are fragile with thin skin. Being put in the position of having to think about these things makes you uncomfortable, and instead of working that out in your journal or with a therapist or even by trying to be a better person, you instead choose to attack the Black person who is speaking.
You don’t even have a valid argument against anything I’m saying because you know it’s true.
Die mad, baby.
“Are you even black or just an overweight race baiter?”
Dear Equilizer,
I have to say, I found it hard to even respond to your message because people who can’t smell make my booty itch. You commented twice on my page under two different posts (and I’ll get to the other in a minute), but I feel like there should be a rule that if you are going to come for me, you have to at least have proper grammar and spelling when you do so.
That said, let me address your concerns.
I am Black as fuck, baby. Openly Black. Decidedly Black. Unapologetically Black. Raised by a white father who made sure I understood my Blackness Black. AAVE Black. I grew up in all white neighborhoods but every weekend with my cousins in the hood Black. I been wearing this ass-length, burgundy braids for so long my hair is fuzzy and I need to take them down, but I’ll get to it when I feel like it Black. Gum popping Black. Lip smacking Black. My mama wore Black Panther t-shirts and had a gigantic afro in the 70s Black. I put hot sauce on my top ramen Black. I be over here making jailhouse spreads with my top ramen too Black. I use the habitual “be” Black. I call everybody “baby” like an older Black woman Black. I wear bamboo earrings every single day and I ain’t never changing it up Black. I say “nigga” all day long Black. When you get in my car, the playlist is we selling drugs, gangbanging and getting bitches Black. Double Dutch Black. Roller Skating Black (OK, I don’t know if I can still skate cause it’s been so long but whatever). I use a different washcloth for my face and for my ass Black. Don’t get cute cause I will pull the fuck up Black.
I think you get the point.
As to your second issue, I think you should know that calling me “fat” or “overweight” doesn’t hurt my feelings. Do you know how many mirrors are in my house? Have you seen my Instagram account? I know what I look like, and I am vain as fuck. I know that’s one of the seven deadly sins or whatever, but I don’t care, because if I don't love me, who else will? And I fucking love me, baby. Capital letters LOVE.
Titties FAT. Stomach FAT. PUSSY FAT. Ass flat, but that’s OK, cause it ain’t never stopped nothing over here. Pockets FAT.
Please stay crunchy and mad. It makes me fatter.
“Bad Grandma” took issue with me writing about Ben Stein, Stella Parton, and Scott Adams being racist, and decided to come share her thoughts on my personal website.
“You didn’t call out anything but your own gibbering ignorance, and the fact that you had to resort to Dolly Parton’s SISTER speaks for itself. Was Loretta Lynn’s cousin Ted unavailable?
As simpleton-diddling race-hustlers go, you suck.”
Dear Bad Grandma,
I know a lot of you struggle with reading comprehension, but try to stay with me here. Stella Parton, Dolly’s sister, made HEADLINES with her tweets, which is why she was included in the post. Learn how to read, Bad Grandma.
I responded to factual evidence that is available right here on the internet. I didn’t make any of this up. I notice you didn’t deny that any of them were racist, and that’s because you couldn’t. So instead, as is the norm for you people, you attacked me instead of my argument. Bless your heart.
As far as me sucking, bitch, I swallow too. If your mother was a better woman who finished the job she started, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.
Be blessed, bitch.
Remember I said “Equilizer” made a second appearance?
They did, and they still didn’t spell “equalizer” correctly.
They signed their comment “Black Equaliza!”, and they wrote:
Must be Hell getting all that “SWOLLNESS” to roll out the rack due to loud belly growls ?
Dear Black Equaliza!
I don’t even know what this is supposed to mean. Get a tutor and then come back when you can put together a basic and coherent sentence.
That’s this week’s mailbag. Come back next week. I’m sure there will be more.
Miscellaneous notes:
As a featured columnist for theGrio, I have had several columns go live this week.
I wrote about the end of the FX series “Snowfall” and how everyone involved with the show deserves all the awards. We now only have three episodes left, and I don’t know what I am going to do to fill that void once it’s gone.
Also, one of the writers on the show saw my post and left me a note on my website thanking me for what I said!
I wrote about the response to John Blake’s excellent CNN article about digital blackface.
It is also worth it to read John’s piece as an accompaniment to mine.
I also wrote about the news anchor in Jackson, Mississippi, who thought she was so cool for saying “fo shizzle my nizzle” on air.
This is the labor board ruling I referenced earlier as well as an explainer from WaPo.
Twitter is dying. If you haven’t already, please follow me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and LinkedIn. And don’t forget, I also regularly update my personal website.
This part took me OWT! "Ass flat, but that’s OK, cause it ain’t never stopped nothing over here."
Oh, I am so happy to read Clapbacks once again! 🙌🏼 Thank you!