I Would Like to Speak With the Manager, Please

Fast food prices are out of control, and this has got to stop.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

You saw the title. I would like to speak with the motherfucking manager.

Over the weekend, I found myself in the McDonald’s drive-thru because…

Actually, don’t fucking worry about why I went, just know that I was there. I was hungry and wanted something quick. I didn’t want a burger, though, because even though we obsessed over them as children, when you get older and experience real burgers from places like Burger Lounge, Fatburger, In-N-Out, that one smash burger pop-up that shows up in front of Hi-Lo Liquor in Culver City, and the like, you come to understand that McDonald’s burgers are not that great.

But they do make other good things. Their pink goo chicken nuggets aren’t that bad, and the McChicken absolutely slaps if you tell them to hold the lettuce, add cheese, and substitute Big Mac sauce for the mayo (seriously, try it!).

The best thing on the McDonald’s menu, however—besides the tasty McGriddle, and I won’t argue with you about the tastiness of the McGriddle—is the Filet-O-Fish.

Now, hear me out: No, it’s not a po’ boy from Louisiana. It’s not even a fish sandwich from your hood fish spot that gives you a piece of catfish or whiting or red snapper or perch slapped between two pieces of white bread with hot sauce on them.

It’s a square piece of fish on a bun with cheese and tartar sauce. That’s it. It’s super simple.

But it’s a delicious, super-simple thing.

Which is why I was very vexed when I looked at the drive-thru menu and saw that the Filet-O-Fish is priced at $5.19 at my local McDonald’s.

Five hundred nineteen cents for a bun, a square piece of fish of questionable origins, half a slice of American (???) cheese, and tartar sauce.

I’m not even going to get into the fact that the Filet-O-Fish in its current iteration is about the size of a White Castle burger.

Like, if anything, the Filet-O-Fish meal with fries and a drink should be $5.19, but not the sandwich by itself. So I would like to speak to the fucking manager because this upset me, and I was thinking about it all weekend.

Instead of getting my beloved Filet-O-Fish, I ended up getting the Buy-One-Get-One For $1 McChicken deal, which, because of all my add-ons, ran me a cool $5.00 anyway, and let me tell you, a McChicken is a very poor substitute for a Filet-O-Fish. Especially if you let them get cold, which I did. The buns were rubbery, the meat was tough, and gotdammit, it wasn’t the Filet-O-Fish I wanted.

I don’t know about you, but I like my fast food good and cheap. There seems to be a trend of fast-food restaurants charging high prices for very basic food. The value menu at McDonald’s ain’t even hitting like it used to be. The pickings are extremely slim, and honestly, nothing on their menu is really that good—except for McGriddles and the beloved Filet-O-Fish.

In summation, I would like to declare that this is some extreme bullshit, McDonald’s. I don’t know who I need to speak with there so you guys can get your fucking act together, but you will not see another dime of my money until the two Filet-O-Fish for $5 deal returns.

Until then, fuck y’all.

Signed, a very upset and Black-ass Karen.