Throwback Thursday
a blog post I wrote in 2004
I was digging through the archives of my old blogs from 20 years ago, and I stumbled upon some gems I want to share.
This is one of them.
The memories that came up as I was reading this made me chuckle because I’m so far removed from both of these men now, and funnily enough, they both hit me up a lot on some “How you doing?” and “We should hang out” type shit, but I am not at all interested.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure we’ve all grown and evolved since then. A lot has happened in all of our lives, and things are totally different now, but I still see the value in keeping them at a distance.
Anyway, I called this one “selfish.”
selfish
He’s selfish. He wants me to sleep with him and show him the amount of affection I would show to someone I was dating, but he wants me to keep it on the down low because he doesn’t want anyone to know. He wants me to pretend like I don’t know he’s sleeping with her and dating her at the same time that he’s doing those things with me. He wants me to act “normal” when other people are around. He’s scared I am going to tell someone.
I’m selfish because I don’t want to have to exist in a space of secrecy. I don’t want to have to smile in another woman’s face and pretend like I don’t care that she’s fucking the same man I’m fucking. I don’t want it to be a secret. I want to walk around with love bites on my neck and the love-grin on my face because that’s the way these types of things are supposed to go down.
He’s selfish because he wants to give me long speeches about how I shouldn’t call him when he’s with his wife, and how we should try and keep our relationship on a level that doesn’t involve tipping around, and then he calls me late at night asking me what I am doing and if it’s okay if he comes over. He says he is trying to do the right thing, but if staying away from me is the right thing, why is he always calling?
I’m selfish because I want to know how I am expected to guess when he is with his wife. I’m selfish because I don’t understand how he openly and aggressively pursued me, but then got scared when he realized his feelings were going further than he intended them to.
He’s selfish because he wants to make snide comments about how he saw me out to lunch with someone at Nikki Lee’s, and how I looked so happy sitting at the lunch table holding that man’s hand. He’s selfish cause he says it like he’s jealous or annoyed that I would have the nerve to do something like that.
I’m selfish because even though I have been spending time with a married man, I still reserve the right to live my life and do all the things a young, single woman should do to enjoy herself. I’m selfish because when he told me he saw me and I heard the jealousy in his voice, I got happy; I felt vindicated.
He’s selfish because he wants to shush me when I get in the car, so his wife or other girlfriend or whoever else may be calling on his cell phone doesn’t hear me talking.
I’m selfish cause I say enough of this bullshit and stop calling him and just walk away.