The loudest introvert

I want to go, but also, I want to stay home.

I don’t seek attention; I command it. 

This has been me for most of my life. Even when I want to blend into the crowd, I stand out. 

People notice me. People are drawn to me. My energy attracts people. People love me. 

Leaning into this has helped me a lot in the career arena. I’m outspoken both in person and in my writing. Being unafraid to say it plainly has its benefits (and drawbacks, if I’m being honest). People like to see it. They want to engage with it. It gets clicks, and it built me the large social media following I have today. 

I’m the life of the party. I’m the person making everyone get up and dance or sing along to the same song. I’m the one laughing loudly in the group of people over there talking. I’m the one making my way around the room, saying hello to everyone and giving hugs as I go along (well, maybe not now in the age of Covid). 

I do all of these things, and then I go home, lock myself in my house for a few days or more, and don’t want to engage with anyone until my battery is fully recharged again. 

I have ambivalent feelings about the word “ambivert”

Because I am fucking late for everything, I had no idea January 2 is World Introvert Day. 

Hello. My name is Monique Judge, and I am an introvert. 

I know I don’t look like an introvert. I know I don’t necessarily act like an introvert. I know everything about me screams outgoing extrovert, but trust me; I’m an introvert. 

My therapist helped me figure this out a few years ago, telling me that I am an introvert with extrovert tendencies. I’ve also seen it described as an “ambivert” (that is such a weird word and I don’t like it) or an “extroverted introvert.”

What it means is while I can socialize and hang out with the best of them, I need time to myself afterward to recharge. Just how much time varies from situation to situation. 

Since coming to understand this about myself, I have leaned more fully into the introvert life, accepting that sometimes I just don’t have the capacity for being out with people, and that’s OK. 

A thing I recently came to realize was a huge source of social anxiety for me was my telephone. 

My cellphone is on me at all times. I use it to listen to music in my car. I use it to check emails, post on social media, check my calendars, and everything in between. 

I’ve found that other people use my cellphone as a sort of Lojack system where I am concerned. Someone will send a text message and then be annoyed that I didn’t respond within 0.5 seconds — never mind that I may not have seen it yet or am in the middle of something and couldn’t get to it right away. 

People will call back to back to back if I don’t answer right away, and then when I do answer, they didn’t want anything important. There was no emergency. They blew up my phone like that because to them, having a cellphone means I am accessible to them every minute of every single day whenever they are looking for me. 

And you know what? Fuck all of that. 

Things you learn while being depressed

During this last depressive episode, the number of calls and texts expressing concern became a little anxiety-inducing for me. I appreciate that people love and care for me and wanted to make sure I was all right. That wasn’t the issue. 

For me, a person who was in the middle of a mental storm, feeling like I needed to be responsive to everyone who was reaching out while simultaneously trying to navigate all the shit I was going through personally was making me even more crazy and depressed. I couldn’t handle it, and I ultimately decided to put my phone on do not disturb. 

I have never felt so much peace in my life. 

Not knowing when people were calling or messaging and not checking my phone until I felt ready was such a relief. I responded to the people I had the capacity for, and sent heart emojis to everyone else just so they would know I knew they were thinking of me and I loved them for it. 

As the depression cycle lessened to a mild roar, I found myself less eager to turn DND off. For what? It would simply start the same anxiety-inducing cycle all over again, but in a different way. I didn’t want that. 

You see, as an introvert with extrovert tendencies, I only want to talk to you when I feel like it, not when you dictate it. When I don’t feel like being social, I don’t want to feel pressured into being social, whether that pressure is intentional or not. 

My phone is now permanently on DND, and I like it that way. It is how I am protecting my introverted peace. 

I am the loudest introvert ever

I am still gregarious. I am still outgoing. I am still a social butterfly in the right settings. I still want to hang out. I still want to party. I am simply respecting my personal process. I encourage everyone to do the same. 

So when you invite me to stuff I keep declining, please know and understand that it’s not you; it’s me. 

I really want to go, but also I just really want to stay at home. 

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Miscellaneous Notes:

• “8 Signs That You’re An Extroverted Introvert”

• My boy Panama Jackson asked me to be a guest on his podcast, “Dear Culture,” which is a part of theGrio’s Black Podcast Network. I am so excited about my episode, which debuts Thursday, February 2. You are going to want to watch this, and I’m not just saying that because I am in the episode. Panama is a brilliant man and a great host. Salute to my g.

• I have been showing a lot of love to my personal blog as of late. You should check that out and bookmark it for the small, daily updates and links I share — especially since I know you absolutely cannot get enough for me.

  • This newsletter is also a form of personal blogging — at least for me. Thanks for coming by regularly.

• I guess people do still put Lojack on their cars.