My Christian Mingle screen name is "Size Queen of Sheba"

Why are men on these online dating apps so weird?

I suppose the subtitle of this post could just be “Why are men?”

I think we all have questions.

As to the title, I will admit to being what is commonly known as a “size queen.” I like big dicks, and I cannot lie. 

This is not to shame or diss men with smaller penises; this is just to say I’ve beaten that level already, and I’m ready to take on the final boss. 

That Christian Mingle name was actually a gift from my friend Lenée a few years back. If you know me, you know I used to change my display name on Twitter a lot. Lenée tweeted one day that Size Queen of Sheba was her Christian Mingle name, and I thought it was funny and made it my Twitter display name. 

Of course, Elon Musk came along and fucked up the funny display name game, at least for verified accounts. We can’t change our display names now without going through some weirdo review and re-verification process, and it’s all because Elon is a whiny ass titty-baby who doesn’t like it when people make fun of him. He thought the display name changes were funny until everyone started changing theirs to Elon Musk, and suddenly, the shit wasn’t funny anymore. Go figure. 

So because Elon is the goofiest goofy to ever spend billions of dollars to be this fucking goofy, my display name is “first of all, bitch,...” forever. 

It’s cool. I like it. 

So online dating is weird, OK? 

I have a Hinge profile. I didn’t check it frequently before, and that lessened even more when I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and stopped getting notifications for every app on my phone (and call we talk about how fucking peaceful it is to not be a slave to checking my phone?). 

I recently turned DND off briefly so someone who was trying to call me could get through, and when I did, notifications for everything popped up. 

That’s when I saw I had a bunch of men trying to get my attention on Hinge. Let’s talk about that for a minute. 

Y’all play too much

Getting attention from men has never been a problem for me. Ever. The problem that has repeatedly come up is once they have my attention, they don’t know what to do with it. It’s like they didn’t think past the getting my attention part. They haven’t really solidified what their personal intentions are, and my general attitude is along the lines of, “OK, what do you want now,” so I know I’m not much help, but then again, why should I be?

If you went through all the steps of trying to get my attention, and I give you what you came for, why are you then leaving it up to me to steer things in whatever direction? Did you have a plan for what to do once I responded to you? Did you know what you wanted when you reached out to me? Or was this all a game of “Let me see if I can get her attention?”

Whatever it is, it’s rather exhausting. 

Stop wasting a woman’s time. If you know you don’t have any intentions beyond getting my attention, keep that shit to yourself and leave me alone please. Seriously.

There are guys on Hinge who seem to be on there just to see how many women they can get to talk to them. They don’t want anything real; they are looking for dating app pen pals, and chile, I’m a writer for a living. I don’t want to waste keystrokes in my off-time. Save us both some time and join a Facebook group or something. You can chit chat via text all you want in there. 

Who are you hoping to attract with this profile?

The next thing I notice is all the men with weird profiles. 

You know them when you see them. They usually have an entire list of things they don’t want in a woman — fake hair, fake eyelashes, lots of makeup, a bad attitude, masculine energy (that one fucks me up every time), and being “too independent.”

Sir. Are you looking for someone with whom you can be evenly yoked, or are you looking for a subordinate? Please help me to understand. 

I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen a man say he doesn’t want a woman who is “more masculine than” him. What he means by that is he doesn’t want a woman who is capable of thinking for herself. He doesn’t want an independent woman because a lot of men, if they are being honest, aren’t looking for a partner; they are looking for a dependent. 

They want a woman who is going to need them for something — whether that something be material things, money, a ride, someone to pay for meals, etc. They are looking for a wounded bird who is going to be so happy to be getting this attention and so grateful that a man is spending money on them or taking them out to dinner or whatever it is he’s doing that she will overlook all the red flags that are telling her this man is a loser, sis. 

I get looking for something very specific, but some of these dudes are completely absurd in their expectations and requirements, and the shit is laughable. 

I am too pretty and smart to date a man who makes grammar and spelling errors

I am a grammar and spelling snob. I write and edit for a living, so that type of shit is important to me. Plus, I feel like if you are going to have a laundry list of requirements for what you want in a woman, the least you should be able to do is convey that in a coherent manner free of grammatical errors and confused homophones. 

If you don’t know the difference between to/too, here/hear, they’re;their;there, you’re/your and so on, how dare you expect top tier pussy? Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to them purple SRA cards you are used to, sir. 

Please take better pictures

A dude on Hinge sent me a like, and when I went to look at his profile, all his pictures looked like they had been taken in the dayroom at Wayside. I’m not joking. I kept looking to see if I saw other incarcerated people in the pictures because sir? Where are you with those kinds of walls all around you? 

A lot of the men are not much better. It’s like they decided to have a singular selfie photo session the minute they decided to make a profile. All the pictures looked forced or painful, and this is not helping your case for getting a girlfriend or even a date on a dating site. It’s weird. 

Basically, like another woman said on Twitter when I shared screenshots of some of the horrors I’ve seen on Hinge:

These men are quite literally scaring the hoes. 

Maybe I just need to be single.