it's not you; it's them
another random update
I posted parts of this on Twitter and Instagram, but I believe it bears repeating and storing in a more permanent space, so here we go.
Someone was very disingenuous, dishonest, manipulative, a liar and a gaslighter to me. Each time I went to call out the behavior, they responded with more gaslighting.
I don’t think this person truly knows why they do what they do nor why they chose to act this way to me. I certainly can’t explain it, nor do I feel the need to.
What I do know is that they are not a good person, no matter how much they try to pretend they are. There is no integrity to be had when your intentions come from a selfish and self-serving place.
I was open. I was honest. I did more than post platitudes on social media and act as if they were a reflection of my lived experience.
I am my lived experience each and every day, and I always own it — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I have learned a great deal from this experience, and I will carry that knowledge with me going forward.
I am satisfied with the knowledge that even as they chose to lie, cover things up, and lead me down a path full of their own subterfuge, I did not do the same to them.
I didn’t mess with their life. I didn’t cause trauma or harm.
I was simply who I say I am.
They cannot say the same, and whether they recognize that or not, they will have to live with both the results of their actions as well as the karma thereof.
The world is a very round place, and energy is real. What you put out there, you most certainly will get back tenfold.
I’m just glad it’s not me waiting for that shit to boomerang back.
It's not up to me to answer the question of why you did what you did to me. That's for YOU to unpack with a therapist.
The only thing up to me is not letting you or anyone else do that to me again.
A person who is adept at gaslighting will always say "Why would I do that?" or "What would I gain from doing that?" because it is a way to deflect and make it seem as though what they did is somehow your fault.
They don't want to own their actions, and they don't want to be accountable for them. They want you to swallow all of that up the same way you swallowed their bullshit.
They may not even truly understand their own behavior themselves, but that is not your burden; it is theirs, and the moment you recognize this, it becomes easier to move past the hurt portion of the program.
You may move from hurt to anger, and this is when I caution you to not act out that hurtful anger. Journal. Write poetry. Create art that speaks to the part of your soul that knows you could destroy them if you wanted to.
The true power lies in recognizing that hurt people hurt people, and if you give in to those feelings, you are absolutely contributing to a cycle of hurt that may cause more damage than you are prepared for.
There is satisfaction in recognizing this person ain't shit, never was shit, and will never be shit.
Karma is real, and although you may not be there to see it, they will get theirs eventually.
It's not up to us to be or exact karma. It's up to us to learn from every experience and interaction and do better next time.
I'm speaking this reminder out loud to myself and for anyone else who may need to hear it.
Always move in love.
I will say that this person is lucky I am choosing to move forward in love and not spite.
Please share this with anyone you think may need to read it.
Miscellaneous Notes:
If not for the power of talk therapy, I may not have reached the above conclusion. I am a therapy evangelist. I highly recommend everybody get some, including the person this is about.
Therapy only works if you are honest with your therapist and yourself.
I have talked this entire situation through with my therapist, and that feels fucking great.
For theGrio, I wrote about the chronic problem that is Chris Brown and his violent tendencies. That man needs serious help and healing.
Snowfall is back! It’s the final season, and I plan to savor each and every episode.
BMF has been really good this second season as well, and I encourage everyone to watch it even if a lot of the story has been fictionalized so we can enjoy it on television. Lil Meech is doing an amazing job playing his daddy.
I started watching Yellowstone years after everyone else has already been into it. It’s such a good show. I’m currently on season 2. Another highly recommended series for sure.