internal monologue No. 2: dog farts

plus laundry quirks and Kendrick and Drake,

Lady has gas right now.

I can hear it gurgling in her little tummy, and every so often, she lets out a silent fart that sneaks up on me and chokes the shit out of me.

I’m fighting for my life over here right now, and y’all are acting like you don’t even give a fuck.

Send help!

Just kidding.

I know you didn’t come over here to read about my dog’s farts. Maybe you did since you clicked on a post with “dog farts” in the headline.

Dog farts are a lot worse than human farts — not that I’ve gone around and done extensive research or anything, but in my experience of having smelled dog farts and also having smelled human farts, the dog farts are a lot deadlier, and they seem to linger around a lot longer.

Why is that, do you think?

Never mind. Pretend I didn’t say anything. Let’s move on.

Saturdays are for laundry

I started to go to the wash house today to get all my clothes done at once, but then I changed my mind and decided to use the laundry room in the building instead. Since I only had two loads, that worked out splendidly.

I want to make it known that I washed, dried, folded, and put everything away properly when I got done. That included having to run the load with all my sweats and loungewear through the dryer twice because it was still slightly damp after the first cycle.

There is no pile of unfolded laundry taking up the right side of my bed and forcing me to sleep solely on the left side without any real room to sleep diagonally like I normally do.

This is an accomplishment. It’s a huge achievement, and I would like for you all to clap, please.

Speaking of laundry, I have a list of questions:

1. Why are Tide pods so sticky?

2. I called it “the wash house” earlier, but what do you call the laundromat?

3. What’s your favorite laundry detergent?

I’m pretty anal about the way I wash my clothes.

• I don’t just separate lights and darks; I separate everything by color.

• I don’t ever put my t-shirts in the dryer.

  • As you may or may not know, I have a rather large collection of graphic t-shirts.

  • I wash all of them inside-out in their separate color groups, in cold water, and on the delicate cycle.

  • After washing, I put them on hangers and let them air dry.

• I don’t let anyone else wash my clothes because they are not going to do it right, and that is going to send me into a fit.

What laundry quirks do you have?

Am I over the Kendrick and Drake beef?

I have not listened to “Fighting Irish.”

I looked it up long enough to read the lyrics, but I had no interest in hearing this boy cry again over this beef that should have been over months ago (Kendrick won; argue with your friends), but he won’t let it go and take the L.

The lyrics weren’t that impressive to me. I don’t think he hit. I didn’t bother to listen to it at all, so I don’t even know what the beat sounds like or if it was any good.

I’ve seen the analysis of it online, and some believe he is sending a threat to LeBron that he will out his infidelity or some such, and I just wonder if this boy thinks dirty macking is the way to win a rap battle.

I can assure him it’s not.

With every new attempt to make himself relevant or at least seem like he’s coming out on top, he ends up looking crazier, and people are starting to notice.

It is just making me even less interested in listening to his music, and I used to listen to a lot of his songs because they were catchy and had good beats even if he wasn’t talking about shit.

Now? This nigga is high-key embarrassing, and I don’t want to be associated with him.

Having him show up on my playlists is making me associated with him, and ew.

It’s dramatic but true.

Where do you stand on all of this? Are you a Kendrick fan? Are you a Drake fan? Who do you think won?

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in summation

I kicked Saturday’s ass, and now it’s time for me to prepare to kick Sunday’s too.

I hope you have a good night.