Here’s a list of Black-ass jobs that no one can take away from us

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Here’s a list of Black-ass jobs that no one can take away from us

Ever since Donald Trump got on an international stage and told everyone that immigrants are taking “Black jobs,” the Black delegation has spent a great amount of time ruminating over just what exactly these Black jobs are. 

Are there actually jobs in this country that only belong to Black people, and should we be fearful that immigrants will come and take those jobs from us? 

Last week, I reached out to my friends Michael Harriot (a brilliant writer and economist) and Panama Jackson (THEE Black cultural connoisseur), and we had a meeting to discuss which jobs are actually Black jobs that only Black people can do.

We did this as a service to Black people because we don’t want y’all out here worrying about someone coming to take your spot in something that rightfully belongs to you. 

We came up with a list of Black-ass jobs that only Black people can do, and I present them to you now. 

Read over the qualifications below, apply for the jobs you want, and secure your spot so that no one else can take it away from you.

Popeyes worker

Let’s start with one of the Blackest Black jobs ever. You have to be Black to work at a Popeyes because most Popeyes locations are in non-gentrified neighborhoods, and it takes one of us to deal with the rest of us when people get attitudes about chicken pieces, red beans and rice, biscuits that can kill you, and things of that nature. 

You have to be Black with the right amount of hood attitude to have this job, and it’s probably better if you know how to fight. 

Shade-tree mechanics

You know how when something breaks down on your car on a Friday, and the shop tells you it’s going to cost an amount of money you cannot possibly come up with before it’s time for you to go back to work on Monday, and you complain to your granny, and she tells you Leon up the street can get that fixed for you for the smooth price of $50, a pack of Newports, and an eighth of weed? 

He can only be a Black man. And yes, we know there are shade tree mechanics of all colors, but honestly, who are you going to trust the most? 

Exactly.

“The lady”

You know how when someone is doing too much and talking crazy and truly wilding out and Black people collectively say, “Whew! They need to go talk to ‘the lady’”? 

“The lady” in question is Black because only a Black lady can dissect Black problems.

Candy Lady

Ain’t nobody Black letting their kids buy or eat treats from anyone other than a Black lady in the neighborhood that everybody knows. 

No, I will not elaborate. 

Sassy customer service worker

The sassy customer service worker is different from those other customer service workers because you got about two times to say something slick to her before she forgets she’s at her job and not outside on the street with you, and to be honest, some of y’all need that because you be talking to people crazy and going too far.

Bus Driver

Yes, there are bus drivers of all colors, but most of them are going to be afraid and ready to call the police at a moment’s notice when anything happens on the bus. 

The Black bus driver is going to tell you to sit your ass down and shut the fuck up, and I’m here for it.

Medical receptionist

Much like the sassy customer service worker, the Black girl at the front desk of any medical office or emergency is an essential worker. She’s going to make you calm down, lower your voice, and speak to her with respect if you want your name called in a timely manner. 

Black guy who dies first in a horror movie

If I have to explain this to you, you not like us.

The “affirmative action” or “DEI” hire 

Sure, you got this job on your own merits, but white people will never believe that. You symbolize everything they hate. You know what you’re doing, and you’re good at your job, but they will continue to seek to diminish you because it bothers them that you are there. 

Black Identity Extremist

 No, you don’t exist, but the FBI thinks you do, and apparently, the only qualification for this job is to be unapologetically Black. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. 

The person who writes headlines for Bossip

I shouldn’t have to explain this one either. Bossip headlines are like if The Onion went to an HBCU and pledged multiple D9 organizations. Shout out to my friend Lexi, who actually writes Bossip headlines.

Online university promotional figure

Master P’s son Romeo shouldn’t get all the shine here. Since schools like ICDC and Everest College are obviously targeting people who look like us, the spokespeople should look like us too. 

The “Black friend” in movies

This one is easy. All you have to do is be Black and every once in a while say something that is stereotypically Black in between solving all the white main character’s problems. 

You get a sign-on bonus if you can include some Magical Negroism in the role.

Kitchen beautician/IG stylist

If you have a blow dryer, a dome hair dryer, some Rastaafri braiding hair, a kitchen chair or some cushions for your customer to sit on, you qualify. 

If you have outrageous rules like “come with your hair already washed, blow dried and styled,” you can add the IG stylist honorific to your title.

Lady who “sells plates”

If you can make a mean pan of macaroni and cheese and everyone raves about your greens and potato salad, you can have this job. Bonus points if you put your plates in those divided styrofoam containers and sell them out of your trunk next to the liquor store. 

Head usher

To be clear, white churches probably have ushers, but there’s no hierarchy in their usher system the way there is in Black churches.

Hype man

 There are white rappers, but have you ever seen a white hype man?

All backup singers

Yes, there are white backup singers, but does it sound as good as it does when all the backup singers are Black?

T-shirt airbrush artist

This feels hella self-explanatory, but DM me if you need further clarification. 

*I’m just kidding. Do not fucking DM me. 

Numbers runner

If you need me to explain this to you, you probably aren’t Black, but to be clear, Ms Pearline is not giving her numbers to no white man or anyone else who isn’t Black.

Bootleg purse salesperson

I wanted to add boosters to this one because it’s the same category of job. IYKYK

Enlightened friend/newly minted 5 percenter

You know who I mean. Them dudes who just got a hold of a little knowledge of self and now they are wearing you out with it, my brother.

Anyone who’s just called “reverend”

This also doesn’t need an explanation. Related: Are there white assistant pastors?

Brick mason 

Are white people even legally allowed to be brick masons?

Party promoter

The blackness in this role is implied, obviously.

Hustler

Let’s be clear: white people work and get paid. Black people hustle and get money. It’s a difference. 

Postal workers 

Seriously. The US Postal service is technically a corporation, and it’s literally the largest employer of Black people in the U.S.

Barbers

To be clear, white men go to the salon; Black men go to the barbershop. When we say “barber” or “barbershop,” we are speaking specifically to the Black institution where Black men go for grooming and gossip. 

School office lady 

The only person qualified to work that front desk at any school — be it elementary, middle or high school — is a Black lady. She’s going to tell you that you need to sign in, she’s going to direct you to where you need to go, and she’s going to know every child in that school by their first and last name. 

She is an icon in the Black community.

Hospital orderly 

They are always Black in the movies, and when my sister brought this up this weekend, I honestly could not remember ever seeing an orderly that wasn’t Black, so I’m just going to assume this is a Black job as well.

Watermelon man

Keep it real. When it’s watermelon season, you looking for that Black man selling them out of the back of his pickup truck on the side of the road. 

If you aren’t looking for the Black man, you must not really like watermelon.

Kardashian baby daddy

The only way to qualify to impregnate one of the Kardashians is to be Black. The only one with white children is Kourtney, and it seems wholly intentional on her part, but the rest of them truly believe “if it’s white, it ain’t right.”

Some other roles you may want to consider applying for include Critical Race Theorist, shithole countryman, and slap technologist, but you can only be a slap technologist if you are a Black mother who has successfully slapped at least one of her children into the middle of next week. You can also qualify if you have slapped the Black off someone. 

Additionally, here are some footnotes with other options you may consider.

• Potato salad maker — I’mma only eat potato salad if somebody Black made it. You should do what I do.

• Kool-Aid maker — related to the above, Black people make the best Kool-Aid. Sure, it will probably give you an insane sugar high, but does it even taste good if there’s not an entire bag of C&H in it?

• Bootleg man — the bootleg man has to be Black because only a Black man is brave enough to travel the streets carrying bootleg DVDs of movies currently in theaters with no fear of reprisal.

• Nurses can be any race, but ALL nursing students are Black

• All judges on TV crime judges — all tv judges period, really are Black

It should be noted that White people are cosmetologists, nail techs, and comedians. Black people do hair, do nails, and do comedy.

I hope this list was helpful. Let me know if we forgot anything. 

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1. a shorter version of this column previously appeared on thegrio.com