dickology

I am, after all, a dickologist. Don't worry, this post is safe for work.

Whenever a man tells me he doesn’t get off on getting head or that he has never had head result in an orgasm or that he has never had good head, my immediate thought is always well, you probably have the wrong people sucking your dick. 

Back in the day, there was a running joke in my immediate friend circle that I am the “Dick Sucking Champing of the World,” or DSCOW for short. If you can dig up my old blog posts or my old livejournal, you will see plenty of references to this nickname. I am the friend that has taught all my other friends how to give championship level head. Gold medal winning head. He finna be sprung girl, head. 

It’s really all in the technique. Smaller penises require a lot less effort than larger ones (that’s not a knock against small penises), and larger ones require a slightly different technique because in my years of experience, most of the sensitivity there is nearer the head/tip and not so much in the shaft. 

I don’t give what is known as “sloppy top.” That shit is childish and against my religion. If you require all the dramatics while getting your dick sucked, then get someone else to suck it. I’m not the girl for you.

If, however, you would like to know what it’s like to be swallowed whole (I have no gag reflex, and I have taught others how to keep theirs under control for the deep throat), then I am the woman for the job, so to speak. 

I don’t go around sucking every dick. It’s something I reserve for those I have a special relationship with, but when I do it, if you don’t reach climax within five minutes, I guarantee the problem is you, not me. I will suck the skin off your dick if I’m into you like that.

Don’t even get me started on the tickling the prostate trick. 

As a journalist, I have often said the only thing I can blow better than a dick is a deadline, so that should tell you all you need to know. Sorry to my editors. 

Like I said, I am a dickologist. I know what the fuck I am doing. 

I’m sharing all of this because it provides background to a conversation I recently had with one of my friends—a friend who has greatly benefited from the Monique Judge School of Expert Dick Sucking and told me numerous times how she owes her expertise to me.

I was talking to her about dyslexia, but every time I tried to say the word “dyslexia” my tongue pronounced it as “dickslexia.”

My friend said, “See, that’s your fucking problem. You can’t stop thinking or talking about dick. Bitch, you have dickslexia.”

I thought the shit was hilarious, and I decided to add it to my growing lexicon of dick-related words that apply to dick related situations—words I use to heckle my friends whenever I get a chance. You will need this reference for future stories I may tell in this space, so pay attention.

When the dick is so good you think you are in love, please understand you are in fact not in love at all. You are dickmatized. You are quite literally hypnotized by the dick.

Don’t worry; we have all been there one time or another, and some of us have made repeated trips to Dickneyland because we can’t get enough of the rides.

You see what I did there?

You can also be addickted to someone and their dick.

When you let the dick holder run your life because you are afraid of losing said dick, bitch, you over there taking dicktation. He’s your dicktator.

When dick comes along with an extensive and impressive vocabulary or someone who really knows how to use their words, that’s a dicktionary.

Finally, dickology is the study of dicks. With enough field study and practice, you too can become a dickologist just like me. It’s something to aspire to.

Commit these words and phrases to memory. There will be a pop quiz this week.

Happy Sunday. Happy end of the week. Hug someone. Hug yourself. Laugh a lot. Love a lot.

We only get one go around on this big gigantic orb. Let’s make it a good one. 

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Miscellaneous notes

• For Andscape, I wrote about Jerrod Carmichael hosting the 80th annual Golden Globe Awards ceremony.

• And because I be out here slanging words like dope, I also wrote a few things for theGrio as well.

  • No offense to other people from Bakersfield, but I wrote about how the pride of Bakersfield—Kevin McCarthy—is the participation trophy of House speakers.

  • I wrote about the Black Twitter reactions to the Golden Globe Awards.

• I can’t believe Lisa Marie Presley died. She was just at the Golden Globe Awards ceremony with her mother, rooting for the young man who played her father in the movie Elvis.

• On Thursday evening, a friend and I went to a screening of the new Nia Long film Missing. It was one long ass Apple advertisement, but it was also entertaining, suspenseful at all the right moments, and threw in enough red herrings to keep you guessing all the way until the end. Storm Reid did a stellar job playing Long’s daughter, and I would love to see her in more things.

• Here is me and said friend looking cute AF.

  thejournalista

  

  A post shared by Monique Judge (@thejournalista)